"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:1-5
Hey there!
As I'm writing this it's June 28, but you should be reading this on July 10. I'm at church camp this week and last week I was at another church camp called Pinecove. I will likely have two posts on those two weeks soon. I wanted this week's verse of the week to be simple because I'm not sure what I'll be experiencing when this gets posted. So I decided that I would write out my testimony because it will always be applicable no matter my circumstances. I've wanted to share my testimony many times for Broken Vessels, but I've always been too scared to. There will be parts that I leave out because I don't feel comfortable sharing everything, but for the most part, this is unedited.
I'm going to start from the very beginning. December 3, 2003, I was born into an amazing family. I have one older brother and one younger. I have two loving and caring parents. Growing up we always went to church. I even went to preschool at my church. So, I grew up knowing the gospel and believing it. In second grade I accepted Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior. Only, I had no idea the struggles that were heading my way. Elementary school was a breeze, but then we moved to a different school district when I was going into 6th grade. I had joined a club volleyball team and I loved it. I was starting to miss church for tournaments and my team practiced during our 'Home Groups' so I wasn't very active in the church. I placed my entire identity into volleyball. It was hard for me to make friends at my new school, so most of them came from volleyball. School was getting harder and harder, I was more distracted than ever by drama and pleasing others, and I had lost almost all connections to the church because I was so busy. Middle school came along and I was a mess. I was constantly trying to balance my school work, friends, family, volleyball, and band. I was always tired, but I had started pursuing God again. I was still playing club volleyball, and I still found my identity and most of my friends there. So when the end of the season came and I was injured unable to play anymore, I was devastated. Eighth grade was a terrible year for me. Looking back, I can pinpoint the reason why easily, I wasn't pursuing God. I went to home groups every now and then, but I wasn't fully there. I went to church every Sunday, but I didn't go to youth because I was scared of the other girls. I didn't have any friends in my group and I didn't want any. I threw all of myself into volleyball and when that failed I threw all of myself into band. I got good, really good. But as I learned, someone will always be better. Being the first chair in my school didn't guarantee I was going to make All-Region against all of the other first chairs. I was constantly trying to win. I wanted to be the best at something. I felt like everything was being taken from me. I allowed myself to be a victim and threw a pity party for myself that lasted an entire year. I was miserable. Everyone around me was miserable. I was jealous, selfish, insecure, and isolated. I didn't let people touch me. I didn't even let my parents sit on the bed if I was on it. There was stuff that was going on in my life that I allowed to have too much power over me. I look back now and I can see God's hand in everything. But at the time I couldn't see God's hand in anything. The summer of 2018 I sought out attention from boys, friendship and approval from older girls, and I treated my family in ways that I regret so sincerely. Then school started. My first year of high school. I started going to Home Groups regularly. This time I was actually present and attentive. I was still terrible to my family and allowed little things to have too much power over me, but I slowly started to realize something that changed my mindset. I was having to choose to be so unhappy. There were great things happening all around me, but I was looking past them to any negative thing. I don't remember who it was, but someone simply told me to choose happiness. When I did finally choose to be happy, I was so much happier. That sounds stupid, but hear me out. My circumstance had not changed. The only thing that had changed was my mindset. I didn't choose to be happy until December 2018. All of this unhappiness started no later than September 2017. I spent more than a year dwelling on a sadness that should've lasted no longer than a week. I missed out on building a relationship with God, building friendships, enjoying middle school, enjoying my summer. All because I couldn't find the joy that God could have given me so easily. You see, December 2018 I started interacting with my church. I made some friends. I pursued God. I remembered what it felt like to relax in His embrace. I began to feel safe again. I allowed people to touch me again, I didn't roll my eyes every time my mom asked me something, I stopped unhealthy eating habits, and I stopped running away from God. I felt calm, loved, safe, and peaceful for the first time in a year. I was excited to be alive again. In 8th grade, I wanted to start a blog. Then in the summer going into 9th I wanted to. But I didn't know what I was going to write about. I kept feeling like I needed to start one though. Then January 3rd, 2019 I woke up at 3:00 AM and my only thought was, "You need to start your blog." It was clear to me that I wasn't going to fall back asleep if I didn't. So I did. I believe with my whole heart that God set Broken Vessels on my heart so that I would continue to pursue Him. Without this blog, I wouldn't have learned any of the things I've written about. Knowing that I have 2 posts to write a week, both on different topics has changed the way I view everything. It changed the way I saw broken friendships, a broken heart, my unrelenting fear, the kid I babysit, the people I waved to in the hallways. Everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad, have all taught me something. Everything that has happened in the past taught me thousands of lessons. But the biggest one is that God is better. He is always better no matter how happy you are, you can be happier with God. No matter how big your sin is God is better than it and He will save you from it. No matter how much time you regret wasting, the time you spend with God in the rest of your life will be a million times bigger and better than your regret. This story of how God worked in my life isn't over. And it also doesn't define me. It has transformed me. His grace saved me from drowning in self-pity. His love saved me from my isolation. He saved me and made me new. I was dead in my sin, but now I am alive in Christ. That is what I want for everyone. I want everyone to be able to confidently proclaim that they are loved and they are a child of the King. Because everyone is, and Jesus died for everyone to hear these truths. Not just those who grew up like me in a Christian home. I pray that you know that you are a child of the King. I pray that you chose God and when you chose God you are also choosing to be happy. I can't promise that you'll always be happy, but I can promise God will always be with you and help you when you're not. Even your worst moment with God will not compare to your best moment without him. It will be a thousand times better.
Praying,
Addison Wimbish
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